On occassion I decide to sit down with a drink (or few) (ok — usually few) and live-tweet something I think is going to be ridiculous. Sometimes a friend joins me. Sometimes my only compatriots are the kitties.
Important note: I’m not promising comedy gold. I don’t promise I’m particularly funny — humor is subjective anyway. I’m only promising that this is pretty much the gist of watching a bad movie with me.
So feel free to use this as reason to never watch anything with me.
Movie? The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.
Alone or Friend? Just me this time.
Drink of Choice? Wine!
Here we go.
Together, me and this bottle of wine are going to take on Hobbit2: Enter Cumberdragon (or whatever it’s called) — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 13, 2014
Oh to think of the many long hours spent making so much hair look so dirty! Art. #Hobbit2
— Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 13, 2014
I honestly think I spent way to long being mesmerized by Richard Armitage’s “hair” in this movie. So dirty, yet so beautiful. That’s serious wig craftsmanship.
CG water. The water. being poured from the pitcher. is computer-generated. … I am not drunk enough. #Hobbit2 — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 13, 2014
This one legitimately upset me for a while. Even now, I try to comprehend why, and come up with no satisfactory answer.
Guys! This scene is so not intense and not riveting! I am so not concerned about the safety of our intrepid heroes! #Hobbit2 — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 13, 2014
I believe this was the part of the film in which there were many spiders and lots of gross noises.
*begins plotting some manner by which to capture Orlando Bloom’s “pretty glare,” bottle it, and sell it* #Hobbit2 — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 13, 2014
Honestly, what Orlando Bloom really needs to do is take more roles like this fabulous nonsense: 
(Because clearly I believe that Orlando Bloom needs to tailor his career to make me happy.)
Anyways… Rolling along…
Things started to devolve further…
… Is this the part where Richard Armitage & Lee Pace kiss passionately and fall into shameful, rageful hate sex??? … Please? #Hobbit2 — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 13, 2014
Yeah… I still think it would have been a great twist.
Guys! Guys. Seriously. There are sooo many CG people in danger right now… #Hobbit2 — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 14, 2014
I honestly don’t remember what was happening at this point, but it sounds as equally not-intense as earlier. Was it when they were in barrels? … Possibly?
Thranduil, you gorgeous bitch. You’re my favorite. #Hobbit2 — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 14, 2014
At this point in the movie (and in the wine consumption), I was more than completely willing to watch an entirely different 3 hr movie — one dedicated solely to Thranduil being a total sneering diva. Seriously. I would pay real money to watch that. In the actual theater.
Oh, Evangeline Lilly… I don’t blame *you.* It’s not your fault. #Hobbit2 — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 14, 2014
I don’t. And it’s not.
Important #Hobbit2 update: this movie is, in fact, still going. — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 14, 2014
Cumberdragon! #Hobbit2 Pretty sure “I only wanted to gaze upon your magnificence” is not the best excuse/cover for sneaking into a bedroom. — Clarice Monét (@cmonetb) September 14, 2014
Upon sober second reflection, however, I realize that maybe it’s a line that can only work on arrogant, wealthy dragons. Should still probably avoid in everyday life, though. … Unless your everyday life involves flattering arrogant, wealthy dragons… in which case you’re life must be pretty exciting and you shouldn’t be listening to me.
That was it!
Stay tuned! Because soon I will be tackling #3! The Hobbit: The Battle of The Five Armies!